Behind

A reflection on pacing, presence and personal growth

Sometimes I feel as if I am behind,
Behind in life, behind in the timeline
Behind in experiencing all.
I have no desire to see the whole world.
I go to a museum with great intent
Wanting to read every plaque,
See every exhibit, but get exhausted
And rush through the rest.

I can tell you every detail from that
First golden clock at the start of the hall.
Its tiny details and painted leaves,
The opulence, the magnitude, the splendour.
But I cannot recall the last clock at the back
Equally exquisite, deserving of attention 
But somewhere down the line
I stopped wanting to see more.

Does that make me behind those who stay?
Finish the whole exhibition, the whole experience?
Who can see the difference in the hands of the clocks, front and back?
While I am content to believe
The hands remained the same
Out of ignorance or peace of mind.

And am I behind because I am still
Learning, processing, understanding
My very being, my very essence.
Wanting to take time for me,
To truly, deeply trust myself,
To find myself in more solitude than before,
To find myself withdrawing, just focusing
On my own path, my own way.

Am I behind for wanting to grow
But not knowing what that growth looks like?
When everyone seems to have it together
Be further along the journey than I am.
When I seem to stumble a million times
And others only a thousand times.
When I ask simple questions which
I have no answers, but they have them all.
Because they have been there, done that.
And I am just behind...