Birthdays

Yesterday (because it is no longer 8th March 2025), I celebrated my 36th birthday. It feels weird to think that I have lived through another 12 year cycle, not because of anything untoward but just the idea of being alive for 3x12 seems…surreal.

I am a big believer that birthdays, whatever age should be celebrated and recognised; and for my own I do tend to make it big and lavish driven I have to admit by the fear of letting go or trusting in the people around me in some respects.

There is a memory that is burned into the very core of my being which speaks to thi safety net I have created for myself, the narrative that part of this narrative of “if I don’t do it…no one else will do it…”

Cue the chimes that accompany a flashback in an old TV show…

When I was around 7 or 8, when your birthday occured on a school day, it was traditional to bring in sweets. So thats what I did, I had spent the day before my birthday sitting with my mum on the study table putting together plastic cups (because it wasn’t an environmental conscious time like now) of assorted sweets for my classmates. We piled them neatly in plastic bags ready to take to school the next day.

I was excited to share the sweets with my classmates but also looking forward to hearing ‘Happy Birthday’ from my classmates. I arrived at the school and queued in excitement and anticipation….

Expectation which is never fulfilled is a horrible thing…at any age, and at the impressionable age I was, it stung and caused a deep wound that has become, to borrow words from Disney’s Inside Out, a core memory.

Classmates came and uttered good morning and I smiled and responded in kind, yet the words I truly wanted to hear never came. Of course you think one person not knowing isn’t the end of the world when you put things into perspective but you still hope that the next person will acknowledge its your birthday yet it never comes, and then one after another after another after another…disappointment grows as you suddenly atr faced with the truth…

They don’t know today is your birthday…

And then you start to question the why? Even as a child, I had a ruminating mind but combined with the social hierachy of school and friendship groups it could get pretty brutal. The conclusions I drew equated to being forgotten and not being liked.

I have to be kind, one classmate remembered my birthday but when you had about 13 others before them in a class of 25 forget, it was hard to see or be grateful to one person, to see that silver lining that that one person was a true friend. But at the age I was the disappointment had set and I was for lack of a better word in a state of zetsubo (絶望/ぜつぼう) - I felt defeated and hopeless.

Moving forward to my adult years, the ‘consequences’ of this experience has let to the compulsion to plan my birthday party about 3 months in advance, usually I have a hold the date in the diary by mid-January. It feels a bit eccentric and over the top but that fear of being forgotten and not being liked was and is still very strong. After all we are social creatures so being liked is a natural instinct.

I also refuse to forget anyone else’s birthday as a result, because even if I am the only person to remember, its nice to not feel forgotten right?

Yesterday’s birthday was no different, although I suppose when you are hiring a function room, you need to book in advance. I decided to host a Murder Mystery party using a prescripted , pre made game from Masters of Mystery - A Totally Rad 80s Murder Mystery so assigned everyone their characters. I normally do everything, and I mean everything - I bring my own decorations, I decorate the room, I plan every meticulous detail to the T including my cake.

This year however was slightly different, following a very honest conversation with my good friend Tasha, she asked me to just forget the cake. Letting go of one part of the planning was both a weight off my shoulders but a source of anxiety. What if there ends up not being a cake? It was the first time I had trusted other people to sort out the cake for me - let go of the need to control everything, trusted that someone else could do things for me…

….and come through for me.

This turned out to me to be a lesson for me, in trusting more in the people I love and sharing honest feelings no matter how difficult. Trust that the right people will hear what you are saying and respond in kind. And also it’s OK to loosen the reins and let go of the need to control everything.

I can’t say it’s a lesson thats instantly cemented itself in my brain, however its planted the seeds, reinforced the positive and that’s a good starting point.

All I can say is I am grateful to everyone who came to celebrate my birthday, for all the greetings, wishes, cards, and thoughtful gifts I have received. I have been showered with so much love and kindness and I feel truly beloved.

Here’s to 36 🩷