Estranged
Speaking the truth sets you free.
Today I uttered the truth - "I am estranged from my family." It's been stuck in my throat, Like a frog that just wants to croak But finally I have accepted the truth. Estranged, not lost, Because the part that loves them Deeply - wishes they will also learn to Love me unconditionally.
Maybe that is the optimist in me, Still trying to hang on. Not knowing when to let go, Not knowing how to give up. But the realist in me, Wants to let go, Wants to close the door - Bolt it shut and never look back. Toxic relationships are still toxic, Regardless of the origin and history. Even the purist connection, Can turn to bitterness, anger Conflict... So estranged it must be.
A courageous write... Tis such a complex dynamic. Some of my closest family have passed, such as my dad and my uncle. I was away for a while... And. Coming home... I kinda saw the opportunity to become a bit of a hermit. I came home around corona. (I was like some others, social distancing before social distancing.). But I kind of saw the opportunity... To go on my own and sorta keep goin... Between me and you... I wanted to fight people. I would preface that by saying that I have self control. I just want to say that if you have a pure heart it can be very difficult and challenging in this world, maybe even and especially with family. And I think that your feelings are valid. Just as valid if not more valid than those of individuals who weaponize their feelings, or weaponize things against you. Right..? That's what I say. Why should I accommodate your toxicity when you won't accommodate my light or my goodness. I genuinely believe that most take kindness as a weakness, especially in this society, increasingly becoming more and more narcissistic, you could say. Becoming perhaps more and more toxic, in places and people where such things exist. I think above all.... Turning it into art is the best of things. It empowers you. (I do get depressed and like an outsider... And. You think of dying alone. But doesn't everyone..? I mean like... When I came home, I was around a part of the family with a large nucleus, you could say. I felt they weaponized that, always had, but they still have to die alone. Like my grandma... Her whole family basically abandoned her. It made me think of animals... I know it can be a requisite of nature. But we are more than animals, are we not..? Then, upon further thought, I considered that every line has been lost... That we kind of are, dust in the wind, and yet divine. Like the difference between the mind and the brain. The flesh and the soul body... Perhaps. But yes... I would say to follow your heart in the matter. There are so many complex considerations.