Tattoo #4 Metamorphosis

My fourth tattoo placement was probably a shock to everyone, including myself. At that point I had basically given up worrying about which areas would be painful or not and threw caution to the wind in choosing the sternum/under boob.

I also always knew at some point I would end up with a butterfly tattoo somewhere but it seemed like the right time. At that time I was in a weird place romantically, a situationship if it needs a label which for lack of a better word, fucked my life up for a good few years. I felt worthless and shit tbh, yet every little message that he sent I clung on thinking things were gonna get better and maybe just maybe. He went through phases when he would be non communicative and that absolutely destroyed me and actually made me feel worse, and guilty as if that was on me and my fault.

I had always felt shame for that situationship, that I had done something wrong, I was the problem, undateable and not stable. He said that he needed someone who was stable and that is a sentiment that has unfortunately followed me to this day…

Mentally I also struggled. My whole life I have struggled to value myself and to find acceptance in myself, it is something I still do struggle with this day for a variety of reasons. The ‘not stable’ he said referred to my poor mental health and therefore a narrative that ran was I needed to fix my mental health in order to become stable.

But actually, what does it mean to ‘fix’ your mental health and why does it need to be fixed? Its a part of us and we learn to cope it, but it doesnt go away completely. And then I thought to myself, we are constantly growing and we are constantly improving and changing and becoming different versions of ourselves.

For me, the butterfly represents that metamorphosis process and so it felt the right time to get that tattoo. A nice visible (to me) location that will remind me of that sentiment - that I am for all intents and purposes a work in progress.

The second element of the tattoo is an arrow going through the butterfly pointing upwards. The direction reminded me to always moving upwards and onwards and the arrow itself was because of my love of archery. There is one quote I love from Paulo Coelho ‘An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming.’ In some ways you could also consider the butterfly as a rather ornate bow to the arrow…

This tattoo to my memory was the first one I had where I didn’t have intense pain shock or fainting. It hurt, especially when it got to the ribs but I focused on my breathing and somehow got through it in 3 hours. And then it was just there in my skin and I couldn’t remember what my skin was before that butterfly existed. Every day when I get up I look at that butterfly and remind myself I am a work in progress and that is OK.